Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
