some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize