hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize