I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
