So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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