my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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