Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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