I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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