I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
