Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
