I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i think i just lost a toe
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
