is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
