I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
