When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
