after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
