i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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