He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
