Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
