she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
