Got a toothbrush?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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