i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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