She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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