I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I lost the right to judge tonight
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
