I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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