yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
