You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize