Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
