Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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