Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
