Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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