How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
