I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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