I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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