She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
