I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
