apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
