I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
