If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Randomize
