Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i barfeds in our rink
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
