I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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