When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
