We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
someone owes me an orgasm
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
