Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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