where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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