So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
