He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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