dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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