Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
