the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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