She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
