im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
this beer tastes like vomit already
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
