Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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