What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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