2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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