Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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