What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
