what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
