apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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