This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
