Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize