i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
