I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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