remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
